Concertpants
Two helpful notes here. Firstly, these I believe are referred to as ‘shorts’ by Americans – and right there is the seed of the problem. Secondly – this subject may not appeal to, or may be too much information for lady readers.
For most of my life until say, 7 years ago, I have worn Y-fronts, or ‘jockey shorts’ as Americans call them (again revealing a hidden nugget of truth right there). They were what my father wore, they were what was provided to me as a youth, and I saw no reason to change. But trekking in the Himalayas changed that. I had become aware of the existence of technical trekking underwear, and researched it extensively, becoming aware inter alia of the entertaining ‘trophy shelf technology’ – a technology for entirely different purposes (and also revealing the existence of the “underwear of the week” concept).
For my first three or so serious Himalayan treks, I had an array of the top flight high tech underwear in the bag. On a trek to Nar and Phu with my great friend J*y however, I was intensely irritated to find that my fancy technical briefs took over 12 hours to dry after washing in the cold and high altitude, while J*y’s M&S boxer shorts were ready to go in about 3 hours flat. Drying is pretty equivalent to wicking (the carrying away of moisture from the nether regions), so it was clear these fancy technical undergarments were a waste of money. On returning to the UK I tested a range of cheap boxer shorts against my fancy stuff for drying times, and sure enough, there was no comparison. So I switched over to boxer shorts for both trekking and daily wear.
Problems started to assert themselves last year however, when I sat through 6 full-length Wagner operas (the Ring and Tristan and Isolde), each about 6 hours long, in the space of 10 days. Not to beat about the bush, sitting for that length of time required a significant amount of what I shall call discreet groinal manipulation, as the seam of the boxer shorts started sawing its way through the area of the wr*nkl*d r*tain*rs with every crossing and uncrossing of my legs. I had noticed the same problem on long plane fights also. But that summer I had an epiphany, and realised this powerful truth: Boxer shorts are designed for standing (or walking). Jockey shorts are designed for sitting. Indeed I now see why the Americans call them “jockey shorts”. The seam of boxer shorts must operate like a bandsaw across the gonads of a jockey hammering up and down in the saddle. Very appropriate name for the y-front therefore. It is noticeable that boxers are mostly standing while plying their trade (if they are sitting or lying on the floor during a bout it generally means they have lost) – again the secret is in the name.
In possession of this almost mystical knowledge, for the last 9 months I have donned the appropriate underwear for the occasion. I in fact have a range of y-fronts I now know as “concert pants”, that I specifically put on for the Albert Hall, or the ballet. I don’t make much of a fuss about it to my fellow concert-goers. But it has transformed the experience for me.
A further revelation has led me to this year’s third goal: while jockeys are also fine for walking, boxers are always uncomfortable for long periods of sitting. So I will be disposing of my boxer short collection (spread across three countries, so the task is formidable), and replacing them with y-fronts. I think this time eBay is not appropriate for underwear disposal – neither is burning or charity donations. I’ll just be stuffing them into empty tins of Moroccan beans in the general waste on a continuous basis through the year.
It’s been a long path from the Himalayas to the Albert Hall, but the improvement in personal groinal comfort has been worth all the hard work and research. I’m happy to pass the fruits of this research to my readers. Just don’t expect me to get excited about it.
